K.E.T., Thank You.

Thank you.

Thank you.

For making me feel.

I feel everything again.

Music Box. Part 3.

All I need to do is rewind it. And start it over.

I left it off for too long.

I can't say those 3 words, but I feel it.

Everything is so clear, yet I'm so confused.

My heart is beating so fast, yet so slow.

I'm speechless.

I'm craving for you here.

I think, I do feel that way about you.

Smile.

That's it.

Just a smile.

(:

A simple pull up of the cheeks and a flash of those white teeth.

Music Box. Part 2.

I'm ready to give in.

I just have to wind the music box back up.

That's it.

All I have to do.

And have faith for the best.

Time to give it my all.

11:39 pm, hot chocolate and the macbook.

So, it's currently, at this moment in time, 11:39 pm.

I'm tired, but can't slept.
I'm hungry, but can't make up my mind to eat.
I want to do something, but I'm too sore to move.
I miss him with everything I am.

La De Da De Da.

I honestly have no idea what I want to be doing right now. Every time I think of something that I want to do..I somehow get in this mind set of thinking and contradict it so I don't want to do it.

Ha ha ha. I'm so confusing.
Sorry readers!

So, do you ever feel like the world around you is spinning and you're so out of touch with reality that you can't even tune in?

Well, if you have, then..Welcome To My Night.

Initials.

So, today I have a few initials on my wrist:

N.B.W.
A.V.
K.E.T.


SO, we'll see how this day plays out.
If more get added.

Or if some get replaced.

Or if some get all together erased.

Tell me.

Tell me...
..Why I care.
..Why I'm still here.
..Why I'm still trying.
..If I should stay or if I should go.
..If you care enough for all of this.

Over the course of a week, things have changed so much. I lost one of my best friends to a car accident. I've dropped plenty of people simply becase I didn't feel like putting up with their problems and drama when I already have problems of my own to deal with.

In the course of a month, I think that I have changed as a person, even at the slightest.

Over the course of a year, I have changed schools.. Houses.. Friends.. Activities.. Thoughts.. And opinions all because of new things I have experienced.

Do I Think It's A Good Change?
That's simple.
Yes.

I ran away. Not in the context of running away like a teen that hates life and does it to tr to escape and gets caught sleeping at a friends house.
I Ran Away. In the terms that I decided to change schools, houses, friends. I did it because I needed to get away from the problems that I was scared to face. Things like, loosing Kelli, fighting with KC all the time, fighting with my brothers and grandma, and the death of my mother.

Right now, I've realized that you can't escape your problems..no matter where you go. They will always be there.

I'm sure we all know the famous story of The Wizard of Oz.
It's similar to this. Dorthy runs away to escape things, but she finds the same problems in the fantasy world she escapes to. You may think that you can run away and find ways to escape, and if yo do. Kuddo's to you. You deserve to be the next Houdini.

So, I think that it's time to just grow up and face reality. To realize that I'm only hurting myself more by not dealing with these things. To stand up, hold my head high and have faith that I wouldn't get knocked down.

I guess, now it's my turn

Yesterday, I showed someone my blog. A post that was about them to be exact.
I guess, I turned on the 'fuse' in his head that made him realize that not everything was okay between us. And when it was all over. The yelling was done..the tension was gone..the huge weight lifted off my, off our, shoulders, the only thing i could ask myself was, 'Should I Just Leave For Good? And Not Come Back. Save Him The Headache?'

And when I told him that I was thinking about leaving..the only thing he asked was, 'This isn't the part where you run off when things are finally fine, is it?'It got me thinking..Now that everything is better between us, should I stick around to have the possibility of screwing it up again? Or should I just leave while we are on the same wavelength with things?

And then it hit me. I cannot leave this boy.
Whether he's only a friend..or more..I can't just leave, and walk away after everything. I have no idea if theres even a chance that he will be the way we used to be. Or if this is all just going to end up like crap in the long run. Or if we'll even be friends next week.

But I do know, that I'm suppose to stick around and fight it out. And just be thankful that the tension is gone..and that things can be better. And they will get better. The future only comes one step at a time.

I need to keep reminding myself that.

Brown with a swirl of gold.

So, the title of this goes back to Mister K.E.T.

For you continueing readers, KET has been mentioned before. For those who are currently beginning to read, or glance over..he's a total mystery. Well, welcome to my world. I've known this boy for a while and he's still a mystery to me.

I kid you not.

Well, as weird as this sounds. When I was 8..I had a continueing dream about brown eyes looking like they have a swirl of gold through them, yet they looked like a slight hazel in some pictures and black in others. Of eyes that told a story. A story of pain, the fight to be everything one wants to be, the fight to go on. The fight to know what is worth fighting for.
This dream wasn't like the nightmares I kept having. This dream brought peace, and saftey, of faith that I'd see these eyes one day soon outside a dream.
The day I saw a picture of KET, I saw those eyes. Okay, I know that many people in this world have brown eyes. And I also know that many eople have a gold swirl through them. But have you ever just felt it in your gut? Felt the truth in it. The faith that it's that, whatever 'that' may be?

I have some doubts, that those are his eyes. I haven't necessarily seen him in person. Unless, you consider webcam. Otherwise, it's only pictures for now. And even though in pictures..It's hard to tell exactly..I guess, I only hold on to this crazed idea because I somehow..can feel it.

Call me crazy. Or call it a sign. Or tell me how much I need to be in a loony bin. Nothing will change this fact.

I can feel it in my heart.

I'm not sure what lead me to blog this. I'm not sure why I'm sharing all this with you.

But...Enjoy, I suppose.

And have a great day.

Friday's Post.

I really had no idea what to call this, hence the title.

So, I'm currently reading the famous book, Alice In Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll. Again. I kid you not, I have tried to read this book 6 times in the past 2 years. It comes to a point where, I get so caught up in the story that I can never finish it because I don't want the story to end. Alice In Wonderland, has to be, hands down my favrite book of all times. I, however, have never read the last chapter of the book. I've only been told what has happened.

I'm like this with a lot of books. It's like i become part of the story and I won't allow it to end..Hence, the not finishin part.

I Don't Know.

I feel weird about it. And I hate it. But I can't bring myself to finish a book.
Now, i'm not saying that I have never finished a book, because I have. I'm just saying that I have an extremely hard time finishing one.

Problem vs. Solution.

So, here comes in play, the initials on the wrist thing.

There has to be something better. Or maybe, i've had a taste of the good..and now, because i've ruined it, I'm never going to get it back. I don't deserve it? I've had it and lost it. I have no idea.

But i'm pretty close to giving up on caring. Only problem with that, is that, I could never do it. I could never bring myself to stop caring. Well, maybe I could, but not right now..Or anytime soon.

Anyways, I think, that i've realized that i'm never going to get what I had before back. And I should just stop trying because this is driving me crazy. And because I miss him so much, it's even hard to reach.

I've learned, in the past 5 months, that things change and they don't change back. You may plan for the future, but let me tell ya, the future chances with every blink of an eye. (I kid you not.) So take it from experience..Do Not Do Something Rash. Think. Breathe. Think. Consider. Plan Ahead. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

What I've learned..is that, when you care for someone, you need to protect them in the safest way possible..but that you need to consider a person's future too. When someone else does something that's completely rash..you have to consider their future. You have to take to heart that someone else's future lys in your hands when you decide to step in and play with fate.

Don't Do The Rash.
Just think Ahead.
And breathe.
More Than Anything, Just Breathe.


Please.


Yours Truly,
S. Autumn Baylii

Happy Valentines Day, Ya'll!

So, I am currently sitting here, and an IM (Instant Message, for those of you who don't know) popped up on my screen saying 'HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!' in huge letters. I am proud to say, that I completely forgot that today is Sunday, and Valentines day.

OOPPS!

I, however, don't think that I am the only person who forgot what today was. So, since I have no plans (Epic Fail, I kid you not) I think, that I am going to rent tons of girlie flicks and blog my entire day away.

This should be amazing.

So, for all those who don't have plans today..Embrace it! Take pride that you're not acting like everyone else in today's society. And for those who have plans..Congrats. (:


Well, this seems about pointless, but I love my readers..so thanks for taking time to read my, mostly, pointless posts. It is greatly appreciated!


Truly,
S. Autumn Baylii

K.E.T.

So, I have a habit of writing initials of the person I can't stop thinking about on my wrist. Hence, the title of this post.

K.E.T., I have, I think, 2 other posts that involve this person, or have been directed towards this person.

The thing about KET, is that I messed up a while ago. I hurt him, and he's given me another chance. I want it all back though. I want the conversations, the intimacy, the feeling that was there before. Since i have been given a chance I don't deserve, I want, well...need...to prove to him that I am sorry. As much as I say it, he always says that it's fine. That it's all alright and it doesn't matter anymore.

Sorry's don't mean anything unless the person who said it, means it, and has learned their lesson and won't do it again. More than half the time, a person says sorry just to say it. The phrase, 'I'm Sorry.' is so completely overused in the day to day life styles. It's ridiculous. It takes away the true meaning, and leaves the phrase completely pointless. Most of the time, to use the phrase is inappropiate and it's a waste of time.

I think, well I know, that i expect to much from people. I expect to much of this world. But what I think would make this world even a faction better..Is if we stopped using 'sorry' as a cop out and use it for it's true meaning.

I know, that I personally, and completely fed up with people telling me they are sorry and then going and repeating the same mistake and/or acting like it's not a big deal, and that they don't care.

Yes, it's past New Years, but I have decided that my another New Years resolution of mine is to stop saying sorry for pointless reasons. And if I do say sorry, I have decided that I will show that person that I am sorry more than anything.

I can't say that I will accomplish this, or if i will fail. But I can say that, I Am Willing To Give It My Best.

The famous act of changing your mind.

So, yeah..guys like to talk to you, and then they like to leave.

A friend of mine recently experienced this. The only advice I could give her was, "...Hm..guys sucks." That was the only thing i knew to say. Reason being, guys do suck, they will walk out, and I, for once, had no advice to give on that topic. Yeah, guys will walk out, girls walk out on guys too. It sucks. It's life. It's something that you have to deal with.

I have experienced this before. it leaves you confused and wondering why. It makes you wonder if it was your fault. If you did something wrong, and leaves you thinking about the famous 'what if's'. Statistic's show that, 87% of the time, it's not your fault. Sometimes, a person just cannot handle things. Sometimes, they got more then what they bargained for. Sometimes, they got caught up in something that wasn't right for them. I've learned that no matter what, someone's bound to get hurt. The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intensions.

No matter how much someone walks out on you..you should take the experience..and learn from it. Learn that, in the end, you have the ability to be the bigger person and be the stronger person. You have the ability to move on, and just accept that life is going to give you hardships and will put you through hell and make you stressed.

Just grow from it. Learn from it. And smile.

(:

It's all your opinion anyways.

So, why does it matter? If everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion...then why do we make such a big deal about it?

I'm not sure why people tend to care so much..but if i've learned anything..it's that, no matter what people will have their own opinion and will judge you no matter what. Everyone will think what they want, and it's very hard to persuade people to think the way you think. Chances are: It won't happen.

I know that personally, I care to much. About people that is. I think that when it comes to caring about what a person thinks, that it's kind of pointless. Yes, it can be helpful, knowing someones opinion. It can even be useful to an extent. Yet, I refuse to let someone's opinion drive me crazy and rule my life. It's pointless, to me, to take someone else's opinion to seriously and try to change myself for that person.

Well, the point of all that, is because my friend let's everyone else run her thoughts.
Well, I don't know if she's really my friend. But this blog goes out to her.

I love her as HER. The her I know without people changing her. I've known her since the first grade. Day by day she changes her opinion because she's not happy with herself. Day by day, I try to tell her that I miss the old her. The girl who used to not care when we randomly danced around in the backseat of the car and people starred. The girl who used to laugh with me at the stupidest things, and would debate with me and we would back each other up on which spice girl was the best.

What I try is to tell her that I miss her. To tell her that I want her back.

R.I.P. A mind of a lost girl.

They all tell us the same thing, sometimes it just doesn't sink in.
A moral message: Don't change who you are.

Music Box.

Like still holding a music box in your hands, but never hearing it quite play the same way and missing how it used to sound.

So, you're talking to him. Yet, you still miss him, you just have no idea why.
You want that comfort back. That sanity. That safeness he gave you. You want him to tell you that he wants you, like he used to. He just told you. It was like he could read your mind and knew that you wanted and needed to be told those things. He was perfect. Is perfect. And will forever be perfect.

I kid you not, I lost him.

"You're talking to me, but what you're missing is the way I used to talk to you of wanting to intimately be with you."

I screwed up. Big time.

Vegetarian.

In some families, please be described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry. ~Margaret Laurence

260 million acres of forest in the United States have been cleared in order to maintain a meat- centered diet.
Reason today's veal is whitish-pink: Calves force fed an anemia producing diet.
Amount of meat imported annually by U.S. from Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Honduras and Panama: 200,000,000 pounds
Number of animals killed for meat per hour in U.S.: 500,000
660,000 animals are murdered in the United States every hour for their flesh.
If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.
More than 7 billion animals die yearly for human consumption.


Vegetarians are pretty much amazing.


:)

For A Pessimist, I'm Fairly Optimistic.

So, someone recently told me that change is a good thing when it's for the better. I must agree that change for the better is an amazing thing. My life has changed so much in the last 6 months and i must say, I'm really beginning to love it.

My advice: Be very patient with life.

"Good things come to those who wait."

Coming Back After A Long Break

It's 11:30 pm. Today my horoscope said that 10pm would be my lucky time but my day however, would be very stressful. I must say, considering my day and night..It had to be dead on.
Life is always filled with problems you have to overcome.

About a year ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. The last text that i got from here said 'I need you.' Kell always told me that she needed me. She was and forever still, will be, my best friend. We needed each other. I didn't think anything of the text because honestly, Kelli seemed happy. She played it off well and i should have realized the signs. That's where the problems in life you have to overcome statement comes into play. I can't blame myself any more.

That leads me into the main focus of this post:
Over Thanksgiving weekend, I went to Maryland for family visits. About a week pier to that, I started talking to this guy(I'm going to present initials in place of his name), KET. KET was and is a very interesting person. I wanted to get to know him a whole lot more. Within a week, he really let me into his life. Details, hopes, dreams, i kid you not, everything. I really started to fall for him. I messed it up on a 10 hour car ride home.
I'm an insomniac, meaning i rarely sleep because my body has such a hard time getting tired, falling asleep, and staying asleep. On the drive home, I had been texting KET for about 4 hours when 4am came around and i finally fell asleep. When I awoke it was sunday evening and I was in my driveway with a dead cell phone. Plugging my phone into the charger, I didn't bother to turn it on.
I left it off the night and laid in bed for school in the morning. When my alarm clock went off at 5:30 am I was wide awake, and turned on my cell phone. I had plenty of texts that i replied to. When I came across KET's text, i froze and became really scared.
The words on the screen, "I need you."
I freaked, and now realizing and looking at it all over again, I completely jumped to conclusions. I called him, texted him, still no response. I went to school and tried to stay calm. I made a rash choice and told someone about the text.

The result. I lost KET for a very long time as a friend.
Yes, he is still, very much alive. Although, I know he's terrified to open up to me again, and we rarely ever talk, I still cherish every minute that I talk to him.

I've come to conclusion, that right now, my happy mood is because of him. Because he is giving me a chance again, and we have talked for the past 2 hours.

I've realized to trust my horoscope so much more. To think more rationally and not to compare all my problems and memories to the new ones I have to face everyday.

I'm in a amazing mood, and nothing can bring me down right now.
R.I.P. Kelli Jean

♥

List Of The Hour

Band: The Classic Crime Song: Salt In The Snow

So, it's currently 8:10 pm right now. I'm sitting here listening to songs that i haven't heard in a while. I think it's funny how we forget things that aren't really important to us, but when we remember them, or hear them again it trigger's a memory and then you get upset that you forgot that particular thing.

Hm.

Current iTunes playlist for the hour:
(No particular oder)
1. Dave Matthews
2. The Classic Crime
3. The Fray
4. The Maine
5. Rise Against
6. Fall Out Boy (old stuff)
7. Armor For Sleep
8. A Day To Remember
9. Fireflight
10. The Killers (old stuff)
11. Framing Hanley
12. Hawthrone Heights (old stuff)
13. Jim Coleman <- Personal Friend
14. Travis Swearengen <- Personal Friend
15. Christopher 'Brandon' Lufman <- Personal Friend
16. Acoustic Guitar Solos
17. Violin and Piano Solos


Seems like a pretty hot list for the hour.

Let's Talk Sex.."Uhm, No."

So, last night I was laying in bed, drinking my fix of Diet Sunkist and watching the 1940's version of Frankenstein when I got a text from a friend saying how much she hated online chat room's and was questioning herself for even entering one. When I asked her what happened to get her upset, she did nothing but reply with 4 words. "UK. Guys. Sex Talk.". I had nothing to respond and didn't want to pursue more into a topic that made her upset. So, I simply entered a online chat room myself.
I entered a chat room called 'Teen Chat'.(This was my first time ever particapting with an online chat room, I kid you not.)Glancing at the conversation of other users in front of me, I read simple things as how someone's day was, or a bunch of teenage nonsense about calling each other names, and talking about who was dating who. It didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary with teens. There a couple statement's in the conversation that struck my attention however. A commonly used term 'pm2pm' meaning, personal message to personal message. I had no idea what this pm2pm term meant and without knowing I simply typed in this unusually term and pressed entered. The conversation went on as if I didn't enter anything at all. I could clearly see my username and statement on the screen. As the conversation continued, the IM's pushed my IM away to be hidden and I thought nothing more of it. Questioning what had upset my friend in the first place, I started to look at the usernames on the screen side. Names like, 'getrdone12' and 'malewithcam' were fairly common. I scrolled through the list wondering why people just didn't use their names..or a nick name that was appropriate and not offending.
The 4 words from the texts kept repeating in my head as I tried to figure out what had bothered her so much. I felt that in order to reply to the text and know somewhat of how she felt, I would have to experience it myself. So, i typed in the term, pm2pm again. I waited for about a minute and was about to just give up and ask her what had happened that made her upset exactly, when a box popped up on my screen.
I stopped and just read what the box said. Simply all it was, was a 'Hello.' From a user by the name of JustANiceGuy. I replied with a simple, Hello back, and waited. When the box blinked, it said 'ASL?'. (For those who don't know, i quickly learned that ASL means, Age/Sex/Location). I replied to the user, JustANiceGuy, 18/F/USA. His reply was, 25/M/UK. I sat there starring at the screen wondering why a 25 year old was in a chat room for only the ages 13-19. I didn't mentioned this, or even question this person. I just asked this user how he was. When the box blinked and I read the words, "Very Horny. Are you?", I started to form my opinion about chat rooms. I didn't want to be bias, so I used the commonly known chat term, pm2pm again in the overall user chat. Only then, did 4 other boxes pop up on my screen.
I asked the user's what their ASL was, and 3 out of the 4 replied back with a age over 19, male, and in the UK. The other user was a 15 year old. When chatting with these people, over a period of 2 minutes, i was asked by every single one of them if i was 'in the mood' or if i had cam.
I scrolled my mouse over the famous red 'x' in the left corner, and clicked the screen close. I shut my macbook and layed it on my night stand, grabbed my phone and sank into my bed further.
I was on the chat for a total of 17 minutes and formed a rather appropriate, in my opinion, opinion of online chats.
Chat rooms seem to be popular and I have no objection to them if you want to go on one. My warning: be prepared if you're not 'in the mood'. Yes, I only talked to 5 different people, but honestly, I think that was enough to get the overall idea for that chat room. Maybe not all chats are the same but it seems to me that at the moment that chat revolved around sex.

Laying in bed, I couldn't help but wonder why. Why people only care to want sex nowadays. I'm not objecting since every person is entitled to do things and not be judged. I don't look at others completely differently now, it just makes my mind a little bit more open.
I texted her back saying, 'I can officially relate to those 4 words a little bit.'

Today, i did a little 'googleing' and 'binging' with the search term, online chat rooms. Every one that i found and entered, seemed to all consist of sex. What i want to know is: When a person feels lonely and simply wants to just talk, about life, sports, school or is bored and wants to talk about those things and more and they enter a chat room, how they deal with all the 'sex talk'. Do some people get more frustrated and close out? Or do some give in to talk about sex with a total stranger. Sex being something passionate and meaningful with another human being.

This world seems to disappoint me often.

A thought to Haitis?

I'm sure everyone knows the horrible news about Haiti's. If you're not aware, on January 12, 2010 an earthquake devasted Port-au-Prince and other densely populated areas. It's a terrible thing, i must agree but what I'm wondering is why the United States is getting involved. Call me selfish, or call my logical, either way I will still think that the U.S. getting involved is a bad idea.

The United State's government is currently 17 trillion dollars in debt. I believe that in order to help someone or something else, you have to be stable yourself or else you will get dragged down with the others. Yes, it is amazing that we help others and care but how can you take care of another country when we can't take care of our own right now?

Loosing everything is a horrible thing and it's very hard to recover from. Help is great. Help is needed, mandatory in almost a way but help is also something that should be given to a limit on the person or people given the help. I mentioned earlier that you can only help others if you are in the right position to help those in need. I help the unfortunate whenever i get the chance but I also don't give my full time because I need to take care of myself. I'm not a selfish person by any means. I do give back to my community and it's members. I walk the Walk for Autism, run the 5k and support charities and donate my money and time. I, however, know what my limit is, and when I need some 'me time' to take care of myself and to make sure that I can continue to help others the right way.

When a government is in debt and is struggling to take care of their citizens, they should not be dedicating their time to another country. Yes, helping is great! I agree. Help yourself and those you are responsible for first. We, America, are NOT responsible for Haiti's and the destruction there to full limits. Our help there is well appreciated, I'm sure. However, the Government helping itself would be appreciated here as well.

I'm sure that someone reading this is going to close it and not finish or someone is thinking that I'm a horrible person and am extremely selfish. Taking care of yourself, can get a bit out of control, and yes then it can become selfish but taking care of yourself and making sure that you're ready to help someone else with their problems is perfectly okay. You're never going to be able to fully help someone with their problems if you can't deal with your own.

My word to you: It's logical to take care of yourself. It's healthy.

Don't get out of control.

The Name Game

So, if you were writing a book, what names would you use in place of your friends? Names that repesent who they are as a person, or a name that means the complete opposite? How would you allow your 'charater' to come across? Would you write about your friends as how you truely see them, how you would like to see them, or would you make up the perfect friends?